How to soothe your baby if you’re sensitive to crying.
Becoming a mother is a beautiful thing, but there will be challenges. And that doesn’t mean you love your baby any less. It just means you’ll have to work together to overcome them.
One of those challenges might include trying to calm your crying baby. If your crying baby triggers something for you emotionally, you’re not alone! It could simply be that you’re sensitive to crying and as mothers, we are wired to respond to our baby’s cries.
Remember, crying is the primary way babies communicate their needs. A baby hasn’t developed motor skills–to gesture, or language skills, so when they have a need, they cry. Some of the things they might be trying to communicate are hunger, discomfort, pain, and sleepiness.
Does the crying really bother you? Don’t worry, you’re not alone.
Why are parents sensitive to crying?
First, it’s normal for parents to not like it when their baby cries. It can feel awful when your baby is crying and you are trying everything, to no end to get them to stop.. Know that you are not failing if you can’t quickly help your baby to stop crying. And know that if you’re irritated or annoyed, it’s totally normal.
In fact, scientific studies of new parents have shown that their infant's cry raises the parents’ cortisol (stress hormone) levels. Naturally, stress and anxiety are heightened when a baby is showing signs of distress. Cortisol levels increase in new mothers as they are responding to the needs of their babies. This means that caring for a baby can be naturally stressful.
Being sensitive to crying isn’t only because of cortisol, though. New parents are often sleep-deprived. Waking up, continuously, after only having an hour of sleep is not something our bodies are used to. This sleep deprivation can cause most of our systems to slow down resulting in our brains’ lower productivity.
Compassion goes a long way
Try to remember that your baby is trying to communicate with you. They are sharing their feelings in the one way they know how. Let the anxiety you’re feeling fuel a compassionate response. Even if it’s just to say “I feel like crying too.”
Brene Brown, a researcher who studies human character traits such as vulnerability and empathy, speaks of compassion as “fueled by understanding and accepting that we’re all made of strength and struggle—no one is immune to pain or suffering. Compassion is not a practice of “better than” or “I can fix you”—it’s a practice based in the beauty and pain of shared humanity.”
Bringing the high stress of your crying baby to a more compassionate place in yourself won’t necessarily soothe your baby, but it will help you to not focus on fixing your baby, but instead, loving them as they cry. Which will help to clear your mind of the anxiety, and be more open to seeing solutions.
3 ways to cope with crying
Take a step back. If you’re really feeling like you can’t try to calm your baby any longer, if they are still crying but safe and otherwise doing well, it’s ok to set the baby down in their bed and go to a different room to compose yourself for a few minutes. If your partner is around, it’s completely ok to tap out and give them a chance to try to calm the baby. It’s always better to give yourself a moment of calm than to lose your cool. Always be gentle.
Take deep breaths. Mindfulness and deep breathing are not gimmicks. The more you can calm yourself, the more your baby will respond to that and hopefully try to get to that level. As you are holding your crying baby and focusing more on your own breathing than on their crying, you’ll start to feel more relaxed, and you’ll be more aware of the baby’s needs.
Give yourself grace. You are not a bad parent for being sensitive to your baby's crying. Try not to let negative thoughts crowd your head, like “I thought I could do this.” “I thought soothing my baby was supposed to be natural.” Instead, remember that you are their parent and that you have all that they need. Take time in the calm periods of the day to take care of yourself. Sleep as much as possible–even just resting when you can’t sleep can help. Do things that help you feel more like yourself. Don’t be afraid to talk to a professional if you’re feeling like you need help.
3 ways to soothe your baby
Singing and talking to your baby can go a long way in soothing them, especially if you’re also trying to stay calm. Sometimes, when my babies would cry, I would even put my frustrations to the tune of a lullaby so that I could vent a bit while trying to soothe. Singing brings gentle peace to the situation. If singing isn’t your thing, talking quietly, and playing soft music can have the same effect.
Shushing and gently bouncing is a reliable way to soothe a baby. When combined with bouncing, the rhythmic sound of shushing distracts the baby from their need to cry. They will focus more on the rhythm and hopefully calm down.
A gentle swaddle can calm a baby as it brings their arms and legs close to their body, and they can feel more secure, and safe.
Reasons your baby may be crying
Tired and hungry- While you can’t always expect that a cry means they are either hungry or tired, those are two very real reasons a baby may be crying. Sometimes babies work themselves up so much that they won’t eat or sleep, and those are stressful times.
Not full enough- Newborns don’t have a way to regulate their bodies, but as their parent, you can facilitate regularity for them. Always try to give your baby full feeds at regular intervals, every 2.5-3 hours during the day, and every 3-4 hours at night, which is recommended in the first few months of life. When a baby is eating an adequate amount, they are more likely to sleep well.
Gas, food allergies, and reflux- Being aware of when they cry the most will help you to find a reason, and furthermore a solution, to their crying. Make sure you try to burp your baby after every feed. Talk to your pediatrician if you feel like it might be something they can help you with.
Overstimulation- Sometimes your baby may be crying if they are overtired or overstimulated. Ensuring your baby is napping often may help. A baby 0-3 months of age should only have awake windows between 60-90 minutes. Keeping them in that zone will help to avoid an overtired cycle, where they might become difficult to soothe.
The environment- Also, keep in mind the temperature of the room, and how many layers your baby is wearing. Being too hot or too cold are discomforts your baby may be communicating by crying.
Remember, you are a good parent. You can learn to cope with your baby crying. You can overcome those feelings of anxiety, and your sensitivity to crying, and impart your calm to your child. Above all else, remember that this time is temporary.
If you are feeling overwhelmed and frustrated we are here to help. With classes and 1:1 resources, we offer many different ways to help you and your baby.