What you need to know about self-soothing
Having a baby that can soothe themselves to sleep is almost every parent’s dream. Imagine having a baby who can fall asleep independently, sleep through the night without needing help to connect sleep cycles, and take long naps throughout the day! It sounds too good to be true, and in most cases it is.
Most babies (and even toddlers) do not possess the natural ability to self-soothe when they are in distress–as in, bringing themselves down from an escalated state. But many babies do have the capability of falling asleep on their own over time.
What is important to understand is that helping your baby fall asleep independently is something you can practice, but not force. Some babies (such as sensitive sleepers) actually prefer to fall asleep on their own, while others prefer more intervention from their parents.
Either way, there are things you can do to help your baby practice falling asleep on their own.
Setting the right foundations.
The first step before doing anything is to make sure your baby’s sleep foundations are solid. We consider these four things to be the four foundations of sleep:
Environment: Is your baby sleeping in a dark room with white noise, away from distractions? Is this sleeping area consistent for each nap and nighttime?
Routine: Are you following a naptime and bedtime routine to prepare your baby for sleep?
Schedule/Awake Windows: Are you following proper awake windows, rather than keeping your baby up too long and causing them to become overtired?
Nutrition: Is your baby getting full feeds about every three hours, or are they snacking throughout the day and failing to get the calories they need?
For many parents, simply adjusting these foundations helps to resolve their baby’s sleep issues–with no sleep training/teaching needed at all! However, for some, even after the foundations are met, there are still some sleep challenges present.
How can you teach a baby to sleep independently?
First and foremost, it is important to understand that babies are wired to need co-regulation. It is normal for them to not want to sleep away from their parents–but this doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of sleeping independently. And for many parents, sharing a room, or even a bed, leads to less sleep, not more.
One of the ways to help a baby to sleep and soothe independently is to practice putting them down awake, rather than putting them down already asleep. While there are plenty of babies that can sleep all night when put in their crib fully asleep, many babies wake up the moment you set them in the crib, so if this happening, you can try gradually putting your baby in the crib while they are still awake.
Another way to do this is to set your baby down in the crib asleep and then gently nudge their lip or tickle their ear to wake them up slightly to create awareness that they are in the crib.
Here are a few other ways you can help your baby fall asleep in the crib on their own..
1. Start with your bedtime/naptime routine.
This could be going into the dark room with white noise on, a diaper change, cozied in a swaddle/sleep sack, a song, etc. Then lay your baby down awake, soothe them for a few moments, and step outside of the room to see what happens.
2. If your baby is just lying there with no real reaction, wonderful!
In this case, there is no need to intervene at all. Often it takes several minutes (sometimes up to 30 minutes or more!) for babies to fall asleep, and that is okay! If your baby is just hanging out, babbling, and not escalating and there are no safety concerns, it is okay to allow them to do this. However, if they are crying and escalating, then intervene after a few minutes, or sooner if they are hysterical. If the crying is not too hard or if it has lulls in it, I usually suggest waiting a few minutes to see if they de-escalate.
Keep in mind that some babies cry from being overtired, and some sensitive sleepers actually cry naturally when put down, but only for a short amount of time. For example, some babies may cry/fuss for a good 10 minutes before they fall asleep. My first daughter actually cried for exactly 20 minutes (not hysterical - just normal baby crying) for every single nap before she would fall asleep on her own right on cue.
If I had gone in the room before the 20 minutes, it would have interrupted her process of falling asleep and made it take even longer! Because of that, we encourage you to pay close attention to your baby’s cues and understand their patterns.
Tip: Five minutes can feel like a looooong time if you’re just standing there staring at the monitor. It can help you emotionally to make yourself busy with something. For example, go to the kitchen and wash some dishes, watch the monitor as needed, and keep an eye on the clock). *Again, as long as your baby’s cries or fussing is soft and not hard.
3. If you do go back in the room to soothe try doing it in the bassinet/crib first.
You can rub their head or back, shoosh, sing, etc. This #1) prevents the overstimulation of picking up and putting down, and #2) gives your baby the opportunity to fall asleep in a different way than you have practiced previously. Although this step may feel pointless, it's an important one to create change, so don't skip it!
4. Pick them up if step #3 didn’t help
If you have tried soothing your baby in the crib for about five minutes and they’re still upset, go ahead and pick them up to soothe them, then put them back down when they’re calm, or in some cases, asleep
5. Repeat the process as needed.
If you’ve gotten used to a certain routine that you want to break, like bringing your baby in your bed or rocking for hours I encourage you to make a goal and stick with it! Making a goal helps you, especially during the middle of the night when you're desperate and just want to sleep.
Remember the long-term goal and know that if you stick with these steps, things WILL get better. Stay in it for the long run if that is your goal. If what you are doing is working now, then no need to change it, but if you are seeking to make a change, these tips can help!
Keep in mind: An exception to this is a "rescue” nap. If your baby has had poor naps all day, or if it's been 45+ minutes of you trying for a nap and it's just not going to happen, just go ahead and rock them to sleep or whatever it is that you know works to prioritize sleep. Although your goal may be to try something new, it is also important for babies to not get too overtired, as that causes further challenges.
Helpful guidance
As a parent, it can be hard to work on this alone, but having a trained and certified professional available to guide you through the process, help you stay consistent, answer your questions, and encourage you at each step can be invaluable!
If you would like guidance on how to teach your baby or child to sleep independently, reach out for a free 20-minute discovery call and we’d be happy to help you on your journey to sweeter sleep for your whole family!
Related Articles:
Five simple ways to establish a bedtime routine with your baby.
