What you need to know about self-soothing
Have you ever been told that your baby needs to cry in order to learn how to “self-soothe” so they can fall asleep on their own? Unfortunately this is something that many parents are told as a way to help their babies sleep better, but in reality, it is biologically normal for babies to struggle to fall asleep and back to sleep on their own without their parents.
Most babies (and even toddlers) do not possess the natural ability to self-soothe when they are in distress–as in, bringing themselves down from an escalated state. But many babies do have the capability of falling asleep on their own over time.
What is important to understand is that helping your baby fall asleep independently is something you can practice, but not force. Some babies (such as sensitive sleepers) actually prefer to fall asleep on their own, while others need more intervention from their parents.
Either way, there are things you can do to help your baby practice falling asleep on their own, but ultimately, healthy sleep starts with ensuring your baby has healthy sleep foundations and not necessarily with independent sleep.
Setting the right foundations.
The first step before doing anything is to make sure your baby’s sleep foundations are solid. We consider these four things to be the four foundations of sleep:
Environment: Is your baby sleeping in a dark cool room with white noise, away from distractions? Is this sleeping area consistent for naps and nighttime? Setting up your child’s sleep environment is a big part of making sure they are getting healthy sleep!
Routine: Are you following a naptime and bedtime routine to prepare your baby for sleep? This consistency is important for babies and toddlers and can help your baby start to understand when it’s time to sleep.
Schedule/Awake Windows: Are you following proper awake windows, rather than keeping your baby up too long and causing them to become overtired? In the first year of life, awake windows take priority over a schedule and will help determine (alongside sleepy cues) the best time for your baby to sleep.
Nutrition/activity: Is your baby getting full feeds about every 2.5-3 hours, or are they taking smaller feeds throughout the day and failing to get the calories they need? Is your baby getting enough activity and the right type of sensory output?
For many parents, simply adjusting these foundations helps to resolve their baby’s sleep issues–with no sleep training/teaching needed at all! However, for some, even after the foundations are met, there are still some sleep challenges present.
How can you teach a baby to sleep independently?
First and foremost, it is important to understand that babies are wired to need co-regulation. It is normal for them to not want to sleep away from their parents–but this doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of sleeping independently. And for many parents, sharing a room, or even a bed, leads to less sleep, not more.
One of the ways to help a baby to sleep independently is to expose your baby to the crib/bassinet during awake periods, so your baby doesn’t only associate it with times that they are separated from you. You could do this by placing your baby in their crib with age appropriate toys while you fold laundry, interact with them, or clean up their room.
If your baby wakes up the moment you set them in the crib, you can practice putting them down awake rather than putting them down already asleep. While there are plenty of babies that can sleep all night when put in their crib fully asleep, many babies wake up the moment you set them in the crib, so if this happening, you can try gradually putting your baby in the crib while they are still awake to see what happens. Again this is just practice and some babies don’t do well with this while others might prefer it!
Another way to do this is to set your baby down in the crib asleep and then gently nudge their lip or tickle their ear to wake them up slightly to create awareness that they are in the crib.
Here are a few other ways you can help your baby fall asleep in the crib on their own..
1. Start with your bedtime/naptime routine.
This could be going into the dark room with white noise on, a diaper change, cozied in a swaddle/sleep sack, a song, etc. Then lay your baby down awake, soothe them for a few moments or offer the pacifier, and have a seat in a rocking chair or leave the room to see how your baby responds.
2. If your baby is just lying there with no real reaction, wonderful!
In this case, there is no need to intervene. Often it takes several minutes (sometimes up to 30 minutes or more) for babies to fall asleep, and that is okay! If your baby is just hanging out, babbling, and not escalating and there are no safety concerns, it is okay to allow them to do this. However, if they are crying and escalating, then intervene after a few minutes, or sooner if they are hysterical. If the crying is off and on and very soft I usually wait a couple minutes.
Keep in mind that some babies do cry from being overtired, and some sensitive sleepers actually cry naturally when put down, but only for a short amount of time. For example, my very sensitive baby used to cry during the bedtime routine whether she was in my arms or in the crib and I found that if I laid her down in the crib it took her about 5 minutes to fall asleep, but if I tried rocking her it often took upwards of 20 minutes (and she was crying the entire time). This was because I was actually overstimulating her. This is where it is just important to know your baby and understand their cues.
3. If you do go back in the room to soothe try doing it in the bassinet/crib first.
You can rub your baby’s head or back, shoosh, sing, etc. This can prevent the overstimulation of picking up and putting down, and gives your baby the opportunity to fall asleep in a different way than you have practiced previously. Although this step may feel pointless, overtime it can make a difference!
4. Pick baby up if step #3 didn’t help
If you have tried soothing your baby in the crib for about and they are still upset, go ahead and pick them up to soothe them by rocking, feeding if it is time, or any other way that works for your baby. Then put them back down when they’re calm, or in some cases asleep.
5. Repeat the process as needed.
If you’ve gotten used to a certain routine that you want to break, like bringing your baby in your bed or rocking for hours I encourage you to make a goal and stick with it! Making a goal helps you, especially during the middle of the night when you're desperate and just want to sleep.
Remember the long-term goal and know that if you stick with these steps and address all foundations, things WILL get better as long as their isn’t a more serious issue preventing your baby from sleeping. If what you are doing is working now, then no need to change it, but if you are seeking to make a change, these tips can help!
Keep in mind: An exception to this is a contact nap. If your baby has had poor naps all day, or if it's been 45+ minutes of you trying for a nap and it's just not going to happen, just go ahead and rock them to sleep or whatever it is that you know works to prioritize sleep and hold for the nap to help them re-set. Although your goal may be to try something new, it is also important for babies to not get too overtired, as that causes further challenges.
Helpful guidance
As a parent, it can be hard to work on this alone, so if you need help in the process we would love to help!
If you would like guidance on how to help your baby sleep better without sleep training or CIO approaches, you can book a free 20-minute discovery call to chat about the best option for your family and we’d be happy to help you on your journey to sweeter sleep for your whole family!
Related Articles:
Five simple ways to establish a bedtime routine with your baby.
