Jenna’s unexpected journey into motherhood
My journey into motherhood was... unexpected.
My husband and I had opened our very first restaurant just six weeks before I found out that I was pregnant and just six months after moving back to the United States from living abroad for years. We knew that we wanted so very badly to have a family someday, but not yet.
The intensity of the restaurant kept me more than busy throughout my pregnancy and there were full weeks that I truly never even thought about it.
I planned to have my duties passed off by week 38 so that we could all get into a new rhythm together before it was time. And at 37.5 weeks my water broke... and we had a baby! A beautiful, perfect little girl who was so much more than we could have ever imagined.
We left the hospital terrified, like any new parents. Between birth, breastfeeding, loads of pain and an incredible, constant rollercoaster of emotions, we never thought twice about what it would be like to leave the hospital. And we never, EVER considered the fact that the restaurant wasn't going to just close all of the days that we were preoccupied with our newborn.
Amazingly, the first three or four weeks felt stressful, but doable. Our little one slept a good amount and was up every three-ish hours at night. I was exhausted, but I was managing.
Until all of a sudden I wasn't.
All of a sudden our baby didn't sleep anymore. Nights seemed rough (I mean, everybody tells you that babies don't sleep and you just have to suck it up and push through it no matter what, but really?!) but naps were non-existent and my girl cried seemingly nonstop all day long.
I resorted to the craziest of tactics to get her to sleep and started googling sleep tips excessively. I became obsessed with extending her naps, keeping her schedule to the exact minute, and keeping absolute silence and dark in the house for the majority of the day.
I couldn't think straight, my restaurant was failing and I was miserable.
If only I could get her to sleep so that I could have a few moments to myself-- to get a handle on the chaos of the restaurant, to take a nap, to do the dishes, or to just BREATHE.
I watched the clock like a maniac and dreaded the hour that it was time to attempt a nap again. I hated my days and hated my nights. It felt truly awful to be a mom, surrounded by other moms whose babies either slept or who weren't nearly as bothered about them not sleeping as I was.
What was wrong with me?
As time went on, our little girl started sleeping better and I chilled out. Or so I thought. Things were great and with my obsessive control over her sleep she ended up being a champion sleeper. But the desperate desire to control her sleep never waned. It felt like a weight, but it worked—so it was okay!
Or so I thought.
And then our second daughter was born and we fell immediately into the exact. same. pattern.
We had two restaurants at that point and the pressure was way more than double. By month four I felt like I wanted to crawl into a cave and never come out. I had read SO much related to infant sleep and I couldn't possibly imagine how there could be anything I was missing. Why was this happening?
My family was falling apart.
My husband not-so-kindly insisted that I find a sleep consultant to help and I randomly came across My Sweet Sleeper through social media.
After a week-long consultation we were back on track and I felt like she helped me connect all of the pieces that I was failing to connect on my own. I was finally able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
With our youngest sleeping more predictably I was able to have more time for my oldest daughter, more time with my husband and more time with myself.
The restaurants still suffered under my supervision (or lack thereof) but I no longer felt like a failure as a mother. My kids were sleeping! I had done it!
The thing is... I hadn't done it.
I was using my "sleep success stories" as a bandaid to cover the major postpartum anxiety I had been experiencing ever since I had my first. I learned much later that obsessing over infant sleep can be a very clear indicator of postpartum anxiety.
And after receiving treatment and spending loads of time working through it, I can still see it come out on those random nights that one or both of the girls wake up in the night or get up before their green light. I totally lose it, and then I feel completely guilty that it happened again.
I should know how to deal with it by now...
But sleep, and my inability to control it completely, is my trigger. And it's debilitating enough that my husband and I agreed shortly after our second was born that we just can't have another, which is discouraging, frustrating and gut-wrenching sometimes. But also completely acceptable when it comes right down to it.
I now understand that every journey into motherhood is unexpected, but I truly believe that God's plan is perfect and that we as mothers are exactly what our little ones need, no matter the struggles.
