Is separation anxiety the cause of your child’s sleep issues?
The first year of your baby’s life is full of developmental leaps and new milestones reached, many of which are likely to cause some sort of sleep disruption. But thankfully, by twelve months, most babies are consistently sleeping through the night - a cause for celebration!
This also means that you have finally gone back to getting a solid eight hours of uninterrupted sleep and have started feeling like a human again. But then - bam! Just when you've forgotten what the sleepless nights felt like, something else starts to happen. Your little one is screaming when you leave at bedtime and is waking up crying multiple times throughout the night. Their belly is full, their diaper is clean, the temperature is just right, the room is dark and the white noise is on… so what's going on?!
Could it be separation anxiety?
If your baby is younger than six months, it is very unlikely that separation anxiety is to blame. While all babies can develop an attachment to their parents (which is healthy), developmentally, they haven’t yet made the type of associations that coincide with separation anxiety.
At around four to seven months, babies learn "object permanence," the idea that even if you step away from the room, you still exist. They also better learn how to distinguish between adults they know versus strangers. This is when separation anxiety can first hit, although it is still not as common at this age.
Then around nine to ten months, babies gain a much better idea of daily rhythms and routines. For example, they know that daycare or the church nursery is where Mommy drops them off and leaves them for a longer period of time, which can cause separation anxiety tears even before you have left the room!
Around fourteen to eighteen months, babies are at the point where they can understand a lot of what you say, but still aren’t able to express themselves verbally. This is often when parents start to notice their child whining more and tantrums are starting, when in reality your child might just be frustrated that she can’t communicate to you how she is feeling.
Most commonly, separation anxiety peaks between fourteen to eighteen months. Even for toddlers who are talkative, most at this age aren’t sure how to express feelings of anxiety or insecurities, and it can manifest in a wide variety of behaviors at bedtime (anger, crying, hyperactivity, etc).
If your baby is going through separation anxiety, the good news is that it is a normal part of development, and it will typically fade away around the time they turn two. The bad news? It can last several months, possibly involving sudden difficulty with night-sleep and naps, and possibly causing multiple night wakings when they weren’t an issue previously.
What to do about separation anxiety?
There are several effective ways of helping your child cope with separation anxiety, most of which include nurturing your bond and lovingly promoting independence.
Practice with your child throughout the day
Practice leaving the room and coming back. Tell your baby "I'll be right back" when you go to the garage, the bathroom, etc. and then always come back to happily greet her. Games like peek-a-boo and hide-and-seek work well, too!
Although it can be tempting, do not sneak away when leaving your child at daycare, with a babysitter, etc. This teaches your child that you could disappear at any moment when they aren’t looking! Instead, always say goodbye and remind them that you will be coming back. However, this goodbye should be brief, not emotional or drawn-out, and it helps if there is a toy or other distraction that the babysitter can redirect them to immediately.
Help your child play independently by staying in sight, but far enough to where you are giving her the space to play on her own.
Teach your child to ask for things using verbal signs or signals. For example, if your baby cries because she wants to be picked up, teach her to say “up” while you make the motion with your hands. If she continues to whine and doesn’t use communication, re-direct her to another activity. This helps to create healthy boundaries and teach her that the best way to get something she wants/needs is to communicate that need, but that whining is not the way to do that.
Dealing with separation anxiety is a mix of nurturing your parent-child bond, but also drawing boundaries - and the boundaries need to be clear and communicated by you.
Separation Anxiety Strategies
Try not to be anxious or sad at bedtime, as if empathizing with your child. Children often mirror our emotions and if we become anxious at bedtime, it teaches your child that bedtime is something to fear! Be comforting, hug, and kiss them, but also smile and say “Good night! I’ll see you in the morning!” confidently and happily.
Teach them that the crib is a happy place. In the mornings and after naps, come get your baby while she is still happy. Interact with her in the crib for a while before getting her out.
If your child does not already have a lovie or favorite stuffed animal, now might be a good time to introduce one. After age one it is safe to have a small stuffed toy or lovey in bed with them, which can help them stay calm and relaxed. For some babies, a piece of clothing that smells like you, or even a picture, can be very effective.
Make sure you have a solid bedtime routine. Consistency is key so your child knows exactly what is happening. The hours leading up to bedtime should be fun but peaceful, filled with cuddling, singing, reading, etc. and you want your routine to be close to the same each time. Keeping your child’s bedtime consistent helps your their internal clock stay on track.
While it might feel tempting to use consequences or punishment in the moment to get your toddler to stay in bed, that’s not the best decision. When we raise our voices or use punishment to try and get our children to sleep, it can backfire, causing your child to go into fight or flight and become overstimulated. Children who feel safe and secure are more likely to sleep well, compared to a child whose fight or flight response is triggered.
If your child cries for you during the night, it is fine to go in and comfort her (after waiting a bit to see if she will self-soothe), if that is the approach you want to take. However, keep things boring and short, and don’t take her out of the crib. Basically, don't make your presence something they look forward to. Comfort her, but don’t make your comfort turn into an expectation for every wake-up.
Stay as consistent as possible. If one night you go in and comfort her each time she cries, but the next you decide to let her cry it out, then she is going to cling harder and harder to the times you go in. Instead, choose an approach and stick with it. This also applies during the day, so try to structure your days as much as possible to be similar and follow a pattern.
If you get desperate for sleep and nothing seems to be working, it is acceptable to bring a mattress into your baby’s room or make a floor bed. This might help when she wakes up in the middle of the night and sees you there. This is definitely not a long-term solution, but it can help you all get some rest in the interim, and it is a safer option than bringing her into bed with you.
Although the sleepless nights may make you feel like you have a newborn all over again, remember that the separation anxiety phase is just that: a phase. Like everything in parenting, this too shall pass. Although we completely understand that it is hard to function with a lack of sleep, and it’s tough feeling like you can’t get the time alone that you need, or that you’re back to square one with sleep, remember that your child is trying to manage these new feelings as well.
The best thing we can do for our child during a tough phase is to guide them as best as possible and know that we are doing the best we can with what we have!
Related articles:
Three reasons your baby won't sleep in their crib and what to do about it
Toddler sleep challenges to expect & what to do about them